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The addict who never was

Just got back from the dentist today.  I hate having my teeth cleaned, yet I look forward to going to my cleanings.  That's because I get the nitrous oxide.  When I first started going to my dentist on a regular basis, I confessed my anxieties about having metal scraping at my teeth.  They gave me Valium to get my foot in the door and the nitrous to keep me in the chair.  Since I no longer have the panic attacks just thinking about going to the dentist, I have forgone the Valium.  But I won't go without my gas.  And as I was laying there enjoying the tingling sensation spreading down to my toes, I began to think about what a miracle it is that I'm not a drug addict.  Last weekend I had a monster headache.  Earlier in the day I took Aleve, but that didn't last long.  I was trying to think of something to take that was strong and would relax me without being a sleep aid since those make me groggy all the next day.  I remembered that I had some leftover vicadin and decided that would fit the bill perfectly.  I felt the moment it kicked in and I'm not going to lie, it felt soooo good. 
After my second Cesarean surgery, I was prescribed Oxycontin for the pain. Again there was that marked high that I all but craved. As I was coming to the bottom of my pill bottle, I started to ration it, taking one pill instead of two and going longer in between. I almost called my doctor to ask for a re-fill. But just before dialing her number, I realized that at the rate I was rationing it, I should have been in more pain if I really needed more pills. I put the phone back down. I am convinced that was a pivotal moment. If I had been given more, I would have become a true addict. But instead I recognized that I had to stop now or have a problem later.
I admit it, I love the high I get from pain killers.  The thought of getting to experience that every night when I go to bed is tempting.  But I refrain.  I know to give in would make me an addict and I don't want to be one.  Now I have to wonder, what sets me apart from all the people who do give in.  Am I smarter?  I am a fairly intelligent person.  But history has shown many intelligent people who have developed drug problems.  Is it because of the anti-drug propaganda in school?  Even though I don't give in on a whole, I still allow myself to imbibe now and then.  And I'm certainly not anti-drug, in fact I support the legalization of marijuana.  Is it really simply my desire to not be an addict that keeps me, for the most part, sober?  If I had to guess, then I would say I simply have a stronger mind.  I know that I enjoy getting high.  But I also know that enjoying in excess could lead to disastrous results down the road. 

Now to use that strong mind power for good.  I need to go write (and sell) a book!
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